My husband and I have a bright, high-functioning 16-year-old daughter.
I have been teaching her how to perform basic household chores (I do the same with our 12-year-old son), and some basic cooking and cleaning skills in order to have some help at home, but mainly so that our kids will understand that everyone in the family pitches in, and that it’s important to have some life-skills. I am a stay-at-home parent and a busy volunteer at their school.
At first I thought our daughter didn’t understand some of these basic instructions, which I had shown her and then written down. She just couldn’t seem to get things right. She used floor cleaner on the stove, left wet paper towels on the wooden dining room table, damaging it, and a few other mess-ups like “forgetting” to put wet laundry in the dryer, but leaving it on the floor, instead.
Then I overheard her bragging to her cousin that she was purposely messing up in order to get me to back off.
I am furious. My husband thinks she’s being instructions,and doesn’t want to punish her.
What do you think I should do now?
Dear Disgusted: I think it’s time your daughter learned another life-skill – the concept of natural consequences.
In short, if she fails a task, she will be asked to do it again, until she demonstrates some basic competence.
If she deliberately causes damage, then she should be expected to compensate the family for it.
If she does a load of laundry and deliberately leaves wet clothes on the floor instead of in the dryer, you can place the soggy pile onto her bed.
You should do your best to stay calm throughout: “I get it that you don’t want to do this. I don’t enjoy doing it, either. I’ll just hold onto your phone (laptop, etc.) until you figure out how to do this. You’ll get there!”
And because your husband thinks this is so clever, perhaps he should take over these household chores that make his life easier and assume some responsibility for teaching your children some of these skills.
In my opinion, he is a big part of the problem. If he teamed up with you, your daughter wouldn’t disrespect your household so easily.
Real Life of an MSW 
Great suggestions! The daughter is acting like a spoiled brat, which won’t serve her well in the future — not just as an adult, but when she needs to share a dorm room or apartment. And the husband definitely needs to step up.
Perhaps this woman should go on strike by taking a vacation– maybe a short stay in a hotel might teach them all a valuable lesson!
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Yes, this daughter is in for a huge shock, if she ever has to share a space with others as a young adult. I also agree that the dad may have a new perspective on things if his wife took a week or two vacation to spend time with friends and family. Thanks for reading and commenting!
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I think these 21st century deserve everything the children do to them. They’ve tried new methods with this gentle parenting theory so they deserve the rough treatment the children choose to give. Seeing that they have choices. The new me would say this is not a lethal rhythm for me and I’d mind my own business. The old school me would show her who I really am! But a better question is why doesn’t a 16 year old already know these skills in the first place. Shut up tho me!
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You raise a valid question “Why doesn’t a 16-year-old already know these skills in the first place? “Unfortunately, I do not have an answer to your question. I do think chores should start as early as 2 to 3-year-olds can put toys away. 4 to 5-year-olds can help feed pets, and help clear the table 6 to 7-year-olds can wipe tables and counters, put laundry away, and sweep floors etc
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