My husband and I have been married 10 years. I’m 84 and he is 75 now. My vision was to travel a bit and enjoy retirement. Two years into the marriage he started falling, after many neurologist visits and many medical tests it is severe neuropathy. He cannot walk or drive, he works out three times a week in an effort to maintain what mobility he has.
I work daily to keep him motivated and supportive. Nevertheless, I want to travel. I want to be free. I don’t know what to do. I’m so frustrated. Do I stay with him, or do I leave and go my own way? I feel so guilty when I think this way, but this is not what I signed up for. I don’t know what to do. Please, help me.
Dear Wife: No one knows what they’re signing up for when they begin a relationship, particularly marriage. We are all almost guaranteed to be presented with unexpected challenges. Part of the solution involves accepting what we cannot change. But an equal part involves knowing when and how to reach out for help.
So, there are other options besides leaving him and staying stuck. First, it’s helpful to acknowledge that this is not what he chose. It’s a hard situation for both of you, in different ways of course. It’s OK to acknowledge that this is not how you saw your life going. Preventing yourself from doing so will just lead to resentment, which will poison your marriage.Next, have a conversation with him about bringing in help that will allow you time to travel and refresh yourself. That might look like a home health aide, a friend or relative, or someone else, depending on the specific needs he has. Ask him about his feelings on the matter. He may well want you to pursue this part of your dream.
Traveling involves coming back. It’s possible that some of the guilt and frustration you’re experiencing stems from feeling trapped. There are some aspects of his health challenges that are keeping you both from the lives you wanted. But take a lesson from the way he works out regularly to maintain mobility. He can’t do exactly what he wants but is doing what he can. You can, as well, while still maintaining a connection to and caring for someone that you love.
Real Life of an MSW 