Real Life of an MSW

A good friend asked me for a letter of recommendation. I wrote something short (less than a page) that I thought was truthful and adequate and inserted my name in the signature block but did not sign it.

I told him he could edit it, expecting he would send me the edited version. He then added text about projects we’d worked on together, plus awards he’d gotten and been nominated for.

The day of the application deadline, I wrote him for the edited version and learned that he’d submitted it. I replied that I’d have to notify the chair of the hiring committee that I had not approved the letter. He responded immediately, offering to withdraw it, and I told him to do that.

A few days later, I wrote a message in which I tried to explain why he jeopardized professional and personal relationships by submitting his version without my review and approval. He refused to acknowledge he did anything wrong, saying my giving him the right to edit the letter justified what he did.

I have tried to remain cordial because we have family connections as well as professional ones. Is it all right for me to appear friendly when I don’t truly feel it? I feel as if I’m being deceptive, but I don’t know how else to handle the situation. – Professional Courtesy

Dear Courtesy: It’s unfortunate that your friend is being stubborn instead of acknowledging his mistake and apologizing. It certainly suggests that he’s not a person who understands the value of professional connections, let alone the importance of getting clarity before acting. This whole situation is kind of an anti-recommendation – he’s not someone who responds well to feedback nor does he look before he leaps.

All that being said, cordiality may be the path of least resistance for the sake of your other relationships. Think of it as an extension of your own professionalism. You’ve spoken to him about the issue, which is an important step to keep you from stewing in resentment. You’ve also learned a valuable lesson about him and even though he has declined to learn the lesson you’re offering, a quick “hi, how are you” doesn’t undercut anything else you’ve expressed.