When your life falls apart, it does not mean you have failed. It means the version of your life that could not hold the truth is gone. And while the ache of that is real, so is the possibility of what comes next. The ground may feel unstable at first, but it is holy. And holy ground is honest ground. In the rubble of what was, you get to choose what’s built next. And you get to choose the foundation you want to build on. On fear, shame, and avoidance, or love, courage, and imagination.
That is the great opportunity you in stand after the great fall you’ve witnessed. To build a life that not only endures the storms that will inevitably come,but grows stronger because of the storms you’ve survived. -Kobe
Positively Purging-I welcome your feedbacks in the comments and your likes and passing the real life wisdom on to others as I embark on this new venture of “positively purging“, as I know each of these pieces represents something…
The brain I live in is my piece of sovereign territory. If I let it be overrun by other people’s noise, I lose control, thus losing my will. Every time I scroll mindlessly, I give over the keys to someone else. Every time I read gossip, opinion and discord before my own thoughts, I let strangers arrange the furniture.Imagine how much calmer your brain would be if you weren’t holding the entire internet inside it. Arguments, disasters, curated lives of people you don’t know. Imagine deleting ninety per cent of it. Imagine noticing what’s left… Yrsa Daley-Ward
Positively Purging-I welcome your feedbacks in the comments and your likes and passing the real life wisdom on to others as I embark on this new venture of “positively purging“, as I know each of these pieces represents something…
I’ve just turned 40 this past year. The last 15 years I was in a horrible drug addiction. I lied and hurt and did terrible things to a lot of people, especially my family.
About eight years ago they officially disowned me. Understandable.
I’ve cleaned up and got my act together six years ago. At first, I tried to force my way back into their lives, which all refuted. I lashed out, said horrible things and stopped trying to be in their lives. My mom will stop by on my birthday for 10 minutes or so and drop a card off at Christmas. As for my two older brothers and my father, it’s radio silence.
I guess what I’m asking is, what do I do to fix this and fast, as I said I’ve turned 40 this year, my parents are both 70. Time is running out, and I couldn’t imagine living my life without some kind of acceptance from my father. Or knowing he did or does love me.My heart breaks at the thought, but this is a real pickle. How can I fix a problem when the ones I need to fix it with won’t talk to me? Do I just keep ignoring their existence and put on this façade that I don’t care to my wife and 4-year-old son? What picture am I painting to my son, as he’s been guilty by association you could say as he has never spent time with his grandparents or uncles or even my nieces and nephews?– Discombobulated
Dear Discombobulated: There’s a saying in some recovery communities – perhaps you’ve heard it – time takes time. This means that you accumulate sober days one at a time; there’s no fast track to long-term recovery, unfortunately. Similarly, there is no fast track to healing years of hurt and distrust. This can be hard to accept. It may feel like you’re trapped in your old self and your old actions. But you have to accumulate days in your new way of life one at a time, too.
If you’re in a recovery program, like Narcotics Anonymous or SMART Recovery, keep working it. Talk to your sponsor or peer support group about your desire to make amends to your relatives and mend those relationships. Ask yourself if you’ve fully acknowledged and apologized for the things that you did during active addiction. If not, a letter doing so is a good place to start.
I know this causes you a lot of pain, and possibly shame. But you’re not your past and you’re not the worst things you’ve done. Let your wife know what you’re really feeling. Continuing to put up a façade will only hurt your relationship and could endanger your sobriety. Tell the truth. That’s how things change, little by little.
It Ends with Us (2016, 427 pages) by Colleen Hoover. “He wouldn’t allow you to take him back. He would make the decision to leave himself so that he knows for a fact he can never hurt you again. That’s the kind of love a woman deserves” (392)
Oh, how I want to share more than that quote, but I do not want to spoil this read for anyone. It is worth reading, as it is raw, honest, inspiring, and a profoundly beautiful story. The plot of this book is extremely character driven. To say much of anything about any of the characters would give away the whole book. The story flips between the protagonist Lily Bloom’s past written as journal entries to Ellen (yes, that Ellen) and her present. Hoover did an amazing job with this type of flashback as it can be distracting or confusing, but this was quite the opposite. It was enjoyable and revealed more of the character’s story, which is a story of unshakable love and finding the strength to make the right choice in the hardest situation. There’s an incredibly powerful message in this book that is very subtly woven in from the start. It begins in the first chapter, but you don’t realize yet how significant each of these moments truly are until you meet all the characters. Then these pieces of the story come together, forming a scenario that gives such a raw, honest portrayal of an incredibly relevant issue. I’m a firm believer there are books out there that help you understand something about yourself you never knew, or things that you thought you knew about yourself but were so wrong about. This is one of those books. The naked truth is this book strips away a lot of preconceived notions. I highly recommend it. I will say there is a film adaptation of this book, but the film changes two major plots of the book, one so much that you will not understand the title of the book unless you read the book. I won’t out right tell you what the plots are, but I share this sentence from the book, “cycles exist because they are excruciating to break” (420)
Last week, this section included a question about how to financially assist someone so that the person doesn’t lose federal benefits. I suggested creating a “Special Needs Trust.” A reader reminded me that people can also use an ABLE Account, which I had overlooked. It’s named for the Achieving a Better Life Experience Act, which became law in 2014. “I am in a similar situation as your writer as the guardian of a disabled adult. Special Needs Trusts are not necessarily as safe as an ABLE account as some of the myriad ‘qualification’ forms ask specifically about being the beneficiary of any trust. ABLE accounts are set up with legal protections against being a disqualifier for benefits. They are sponsored by states. … We have opted for a Virginia account (ABLENOW) for a Massachusetts resident so we can avoid that. We have also created a larger account (this is where a trust would come in) holding the estate that funnels into the ABLE account because the maximum annual donation amount is the IRS gift cap. I hope this is useful.” Yes, I love it when readers help me answer questions. Here are some key benefits of an ABLE account
Funds don’t count against income/asset limits for SSI and Medicaid. The original legislation specified that the disability must have begun before age 26, but that will expand to age 46 starting in 2026. These accounts are similar to 529 college savings plans, with tax-free growth and withdrawals for qualified expenses. Earnings grow tax-deferred, and withdrawals for qualified disability expenses are tax-free. Friends, family and the account owner can contribute. The money can be used for disability-related needs (housing, education, health care, etc.) without losing eligibility for benefits such as Medicaid or SSI, provided the balance stays below $100,000. ABLE accounts are offered through state-sponsored plans, such as ABLEnow in Virginia, but you don’t have to enroll in your own state’s plan. Just make sure to check if contributions could qualify for a state income tax deduction. For more information, visit the ABLE National Resource Center website. –Michelle Singletary
Real Life of an MSW 