Are we obligated to be there for someone just because we are related? My mother, an abusive, horrible woman who never had a nice word for me, recently died. We had not spoken for years, which was just fine with me and with her. My sister is resentful that I’m not helping with the funeral arrangements. My mother also abused my sister — not as badly as she abused me, but she was still terrible to her. My sister feels like she needs to step in — my father is deceased — but that’s her decision. I told her I’d send her money, but I want nothing to do with this hateful woman, and she wanted nothing to do with me. — R.
To answer your first question: Your sole obligation is to your conscience.
The specifics of your situation inform your conscience, of course — but to someone like me, on the outside, they can get lost. How you’re related is the kind of information that tempts people who don’t know what transpired between you and your mother — who didn’t witness or feel it — into having opinions about what you’re “supposed” to do. They’ll have them regardless, but I suggest you don’t encourage it.
To answer your second question, which you didn’t ask: Showing up for people after they die is nominally in their honor, but really it’s for their survivors. Meaning, if you did choose to “be there,” then it would be for your sister, not your abusive, horrible mother.
You can also decide it’s for you, to make sure she’s in the ground.
But your sister at least would benefit, so you can decide that sibling solidarity justifies your presence even when the concept of honoring your mother’s life doesn’t. It’s fungible, you see, which is why I’m telling you your conscience is in charge. Not your mom or your sister or me or anyone in the comments.
To answer your third question, which you also didn’t ask: If all you do is send money, then you are still helping. Maybe considerably. Money is never the same as presence or effort, sure — however, funeral arrangements happen to be one area where the right sum of money can serve as a 100 percent replacement for presence and effort, should the family be so inclined. (You and your sister might consider inclining yourselves so, if it’s not too late.)
Normally this is where I tell you I am sorry for your loss. But this time, I am sorry for the absence where a loving parent should have been. No child deserves the hand you were dealt.
Real Life of an MSW 