For the past 15 years, since our grandparents died, my mom and her sister have hosted all holidays, alternating years. For about the past five years, they have complained relentlessly about how they “do all the work,” and wonder aloud when the younger generation will step up.

I, along with my two siblings and two cousins, would love to host. Like a lot of millennials, none of us owns a home. Two of us have decent enough apartments. All of us can cook.

So this year, we suggested we might team up to co-host at one of the decent apartments, but pointed out that the holiday would be different from the ones we have traditionally done — smaller, different menus that better accommodate *our* eating preferences, possibly some outside friends invited, etc.

Surprising no one, Mom and Auntie both immediately balked and rejected all our proposed modifications. It’s looking like another year where they host and complain about doing so.

How do we stage a not-so-hostile takeover? We would really love to just do it despite their objections but aren’t sure how to get started.

— Our Turn

 why didn’t you just use it?:

1. “You’re right, it is our turn. How ’bout this year, we co-host, and you teach us everything?” No appeasement motions, no “our eating preferences,” yes oral history.

2. After doing this and reading their reactions to it, ask if they’re ready to gather at your homes next year. If not, then offer to host them fully at theirs. (Repeat as needed.)

3. Prepare their foods still, adding some dishes your way. Subtracting … in good time. Toward eventual takeover.

Because if they aren’t just martyr-muttering in the kitchen with no intention of handing over the reins, then they will welcome a seamless transition, surprising no one.

A coup works, too, just different consequences. Up to you.

But if the “not-so-hostile” matters, then learn about those threads you’re picking up before you change the weave; after all, I doubt the sisters cook precisely what your grandparents did. People balk at being pushed out, understandably, but drawing them out is a sign of care and respect