I recently finished reading His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage, by Williard F. Harley Jr ( 2011, 240 pages) and I wanted to share my thoughts on it. To be honest, I am not sure how it ended up on my reading list, and after finishing it, I wouldn’t recommend it.

Much of the book feels very old-fashioned. For example, it suggests that a wife should focus on being physically attractive by using makeup to her advantage or choosing a hairstyle her husband likes. I also disagreed with the advice regarding hobbies; the author suggests dropping individual hobbies for your spouse, whereas I believe having different interests provides more to discuss and keep a relationship evolving.

While there were some positive aspects, such as the end-of-chapter questions, I found the structure—divided into “questions for him” and “questions for her”—to be counterintuitive. I believe these questions should be addressed collectively.

That said, there were a few insights I found valuable:

– The “Marital Golden Rule”: Meet your spouse’s needs as you would want yours to be met. (60)

– The importance of transparency: Money and careers should serve the marriage, not the other way around. – “I would learn the truth: money or a career should serve a marriage; a marriage should never serve money or a career” (67)

– The necessity of honesty: Couples must provide accurate information to one another and be truthful about their feelings, even when it is difficult. – “if you want a satisfying marriage, you must use some of your conversational time to inform, investigate, and understand each other… don’t keep your life secret from your spouse. (76)

Ultimately, while the book highlights important qualities like affection, conversation, and commitment, its rigid breakdown of “irresistible” traits for men versus women felt outdated.