“Looking for Grief Etiquette” wrote to you about her grief after experiencing a miscarriage.

As a retired obstetrician, I have had considerable experience with this. One point I discussed with patients early in pregnancy was the fact that pregnancy loss is much more common than most people realize.

I suggested that they carefully consider whom they tell about their pregnancy until after the first trimester, when pregnancy loss is much less common, thus avoiding the problem of telling many people the bad news.

I also found advice I was given 15 years ago, when my wife died, very helpful

The insight was that people who asked, “What can I do?” of a grieving person really are asking because they don’t know how to be helpful.

My answer, at that difficult time, was: “Invite me to dinner.”

I think it was win-win.

This helped me, and I think they were glad to do something that I appreciated. This woman who had miscarried had her answer: “Send me some flowers.” She should not have hesitated to ask this of her friends.

– Neil Kochenour, MD