I’m writing this to get your opinion about something that has been bothering me for a while but has been exacerbated by the recent illness of my mother.

Although I was brought up Catholic, in my adult life I am a practicing atheist. I’m not one to ever bring that up unless in a safe environment to do so, or if I know I am among folks who lean the same way.

I am of the opinion that all should be allowed their own religious beliefs – however, proselytizing is and should be off limits.

As an atheist, I am offended when people say they will keep my mom in their thoughts “and prayers.” I sound unappreciative – I’m not at all and try to hint to my friends and family where I stand by replying or even stating upfront “please keep her in your thoughts” or “thanks for keeping her in your thoughts,” hoping people will get the hint. They usually don’t.

Is there a better way to humbly communicate how I’m feeling, without sounding ungrateful?

I am always careful, when the shoe is on the other foot, to say to those with sick loved ones, I will keep them “in my thoughts.”

Would those who pray appreciate me adding “but not prayers because I’m not that sort?” I think not, but I feel like they “push” their prayers on me!

– Semi-Closeted and Offended Atheist

Dear Atheist: Is it always clear to whom or what these prayers are being directed? That is to say, must it always be a prayer spoken to a god you don’t believe in, or is it possible that they could also be prayers sent up to the universe or nature or something else entirely? Perhaps that difference is a cold comfort to you, but often “thoughts and prayers” becomes a shorthand for well wishes or condolences.

It’s perfectly fair for you to ask others not to pray for you. But might be freeing to think of “and prayers” in the context of your mother less as proselytizing and more as friends expressing their own internal practice? Other people’s prayers aren’t necessarily a commentary on your beliefs. And if your mother does practice a religion, the comment may be more for her benefit.

It’s perfectly fine to say, “I am an atheist and I don’t believe in prayer, but I respect that you do and I thank you for the energy you’re sending my mother’s way.”