I lost my husband almost a year ago.
After the funeral a lot of promises were made by my friends and fellow church congregants that would always be there for me in whatever way I needed.
Those promises were sincere, I’m sure, but the majority just went on with their lives. I understand this.
My question is: Why make these promises if you can’t follow through?
Honestly, I would have appreciated a phone call to see how I’m doing, someone dropping in to visit, or inviting me out for coffee.
I’m all alone all week until my son visits on the weekend.
It’s been a lonely year.
Dear Lonely: I’m so sorry for this loss, and certainly for the loneliness that has followed.
Oftentimes people make these promises after a loss, but don’t follow through in part because after the structured memorial events are over, we don’t seem to have any cultural roadmap for what to do next.
People are wary and uncomfortable navigating another person’s loss, but as you point out, it’s actually easy! A phone call, an invitation for coffee, a visit.
Instead, you likely feel dropped.
I hope you will be a little bit proactive here. How about if you make a phone call to ask a friend if they can meet you for coffee? Others who have lost spouses, especially, might jump at the chance to get together.
I also hope you’ll rejoin your church family. Ask your son to give you a ride and stay for coffee hour.
Real Life of an MSW 
It is best not to make promises we cannot be sure of keeping – rather, I think, to make an internal resolution and do one’s best
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I love the idea of “to make an internal resolution and do one’s best” I have often put reminders on my calendars to do check-ins because as we both know grief and loneliness has no time limit. Thanks for reading and commenting!
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The promises were undoubtedly sincere, but unless she was a close friend she was probably not top of mind as time went on. I agree with the suggestion for her to reach out; sometimes people are not sure if a widowed person is ready to socialize. She might also look for a bereavement support group to meet people who have gone through this as well.
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I too agree it would be nice for her to outreach to individuals for an enjoyable conversation, or to see if they have time on their calendar for an outing. I would be leery of referring her to a bereavement support group, as it sounds like she is trying to move beyond her grief. Instead, I would suggest she investigate programs like Silver Sneakers, or events at her local community center most of them have some great senior events which would allow her to connect with and meet new individuals.
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I think your previous post talks about becoming your own best friend. I’ve found that to be true and I’ve become very comfortable in that space. Expectations have killed me in my previous life. Now, I don’t expect nothing and when something is done is a nice gesture I’m very appreciative but I don’t expect no one promises to come true! Whomever this person is, she will be just fine b/c the word of God teaches us to take care of the widows. And his word will not return unto him void. Just keep on living sis is what I’d tell her and find some peace within yourself.
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Having time for oneself gives an indidiviual the chance to break free from social pressures and tap into their own thoughts, feelings, and experiences. However, there is also healing in connecting with others. One of the best ways for this woman to do that is to pick up the telephone without any expectations and reconnect with her friends and family…
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