When is it okay to ask a partner to change a behavior to make you happy, and when does it cross a line? My partner and I are discussing this honestly and caringly because we have some differences in how we prefer to be treated, and while we both want to make each other happy, we aren’t sure of the line between compromise and changing our “selves” (whatever that is!).

— Communicating

 As long as you’re kind, straightforward and willing to treat the other’s needs as equal to your own, then it’s okay to ask a partner to treat you a certain way.The partner can then say no, or try to accommodate you and see how that goes. Then either one of you can say it’s not working and suggest something else.

There’s no one formula to it, there’s just seeing what you create together and how each of you feels as a result — and taking care to avoid needless collateral damage. If one of you feels uncomfortable with the treatment you’re either receiving or being asked to provide, then you just say so and move on to the next step.

Sometimes the next step is to try something a little different. Sometimes it’s to accept that change isn’t coming, and to make a concerted effort to find ways to like things the way they are. Sometimes the next step is to break up because it would take an unrealistic (or unhealthy) amount of effort to make things work.