I am in a 12-step program. We have rules about anonymity and confidentiality, specifically that what is shared in a meeting stays at the meeting, and I trust that this applies to information shared between members and their sponsors outside of the meetings.

In a recent meeting, my sponsor, “Sally,” used her sharing time to talk about another sponsee, who wasn’t present. She proceeded to describe in significant detail how the sponsee appeared to be completely in her old addiction.

While I’m sure this behavior was disappointing and upsetting to “Sally” and that she may have needed to process her feelings or vent about this, I also strongly feel it was inappropriate to describe these details to a group of 15 people, one of whom was me, who knew exactly whom she was talking about.

Perhaps she could have discussed it confidentially with her own sponsor. She could have even characterized the person as a fellow-traveler or friend but used the term “sponsee.”

I have lost trust in my sponsor. I don’t feel safe sharing personal information about my own failings, because she may decide it’s OK to tell other people about my issues. I have witnessed her engaging in gossip about ACA members in the past, but this crossed a line.

I have been her sponsee since 2016.

I am trying to decide if I should tell her about my concerns. But I also know it is not my job to “fix” her.

I welcome your insights. – Overshared

Dear Overshared: I agree that Sally should have discussed this with her sponsor, if for no other reason than a one-on-one conversation could have helped her check her thinking and determine what, if anything, was appropriate for the group and what veered too close to gossip.

Every person’s recovery journey is unique, and you need to be able to set yourself up for success. So, if Sally’s share is presenting an obstacle, for the sake of your recovery, you should explore a new sponsor relationship. This may be temporary, or it might be permanent. It’s up to you.

When you talk to her, remember that the goal isn’t to fix her, or even to give her advice about her share. Speak from personal experience. “This is what I heard, and this is what I feel and so this is what I’m going to do to address those feelings.” This will help keep your concerns from blossoming into resentments, or other negative feelings that could endanger your recovery.