Where have you tolerated behaviors that don’t align with your values or desires? What small step could you take to honor your standards and exercise your autonomy?
Positively Purging-I welcome your feedbacks in the comments and your likes and passing the real life wisdom on to others as I embark on this new venture of “positively purging“, as I know each of these pieces represents something…
RANT to all the “No Turn On Red” signs that have popped up at virtually every intersection. It already takes too long to get around the city!
RANT to inconsiderate neighbors who park their boats, trailers and large vans (big enough to be considered small buses) on crowded city streets, taking up valuable parking spots and cluttering the small neighborhood streets with large vehicles!
RANT to medical clinics that advertise they are taking new patients, and then you find out they can see you in three to four months. Clinics, you are not “taking new patients,” you are just putting them on an endless waitlist. No wonder our emergency rooms are overwhelmed.
RANT to most Seattle grocery stores: Forcing everyone — even people clearly in their 70s and 80s — to show and scan a driver’s license to buy alcohol is ridiculous and demeaning. It strips away basic common sense and treats customers and cashiers like they can’t be trusted. It makes no sense.
RANT for “no turn on red” signs. The city should at least put in “smart” signals that allow you to turn right when the opposing traffic is in their left-turn mode and no pedestrian crossing is allowed.
RANT to dog owners who take their pets on buses and put them up on seats. These dogs have been walking on streets and sidewalks, through car oil and gasoline, through mud and fecal material. Taking up a seat with your pet is thoughtless; allowing someone to sit on that seat after your dog has soiled it is irresponsible. In giving privilege to dogs, have Seattle residents lost not only respect for public transit property but also kindness to one another?
RANT to people who walk through stores holding speaker conversations on their phones while shopping. If it’s a necessary call, take it off speaker, speak softly or find a quiet corner to take the call. Do not subject the rest of us to your loud, mundane conversations and laughs while grocery shopping. And do not give the evil eye when told to quiet down.
today I am done …believing something external will heal my pain.
Positively Purging-I welcome your feedbacks in the comments and your likes and passing the real life wisdom on to others as I embark on this new venture of “positively purging“, as I know each of these pieces represents something…
Are we obligated to be there for someone just because we are related? My mother, an abusive, horrible woman who never had a nice word for me, recently died. We had not spoken for years, which was just fine with me and with her. My sister is resentful that I’m not helping with the funeral arrangements. My mother also abused my sister — not as badly as she abused me, but she was still terrible to her. My sister feels like she needs to step in — my father is deceased — but that’s her decision. I told her I’d send her money, but I want nothing to do with this hateful woman, and she wanted nothing to do with me. — R.
To answer your first question: Your sole obligation is to your conscience.
The specifics of your situation inform your conscience, of course — but to someone like me, on the outside, they can get lost. How you’re related is the kind of information that tempts people who don’t know what transpired between you and your mother — who didn’t witness or feel it — into having opinions about what you’re “supposed” to do. They’ll have them regardless, but I suggest you don’t encourage it.
To answer your second question, which you didn’t ask: Showing up for people after they die is nominally in their honor, but really it’s for their survivors. Meaning, if you did choose to “be there,” then it would be for your sister, not your abusive, horrible mother.
You can also decide it’s for you, to make sure she’s in the ground.
But your sister at least would benefit, so you can decide that sibling solidarity justifies your presence even when the concept of honoring your mother’s life doesn’t. It’s fungible, you see, which is why I’m telling you your conscience is in charge. Not your mom or your sister or me or anyone in the comments.
To answer your third question, which you also didn’t ask: If all you do is send money, then you are still helping. Maybe considerably. Money is never the same as presence or effort, sure — however, funeral arrangements happen to be one area where the right sum of money can serve as a 100 percent replacement for presence and effort, should the family be so inclined. (You and your sister might consider inclining yourselves so, if it’s not too late.)
Normally this is where I tell you I am sorry for your loss. But this time, I am sorry for the absence where a loving parent should have been. No child deserves the hand you were dealt.
If You Could Start Fresh, What Life Would You Create?
Positively Purging-I welcome your feedbacks in the comments and your likes and passing the real life wisdom on to others as I embark on this new venture of “positively purging“, as I know each of these pieces represents something…
