“Sorry, I don’t take that insurance. Or any insurance. Too complicated.”

“How was your week? Are you still clinging to that toxic relationship so that you don’t have to go through the hassle of a breakup?”

“Have you ever thought about thinking before you act? Sorry if that’s obvious, I just never see you doing it.”

“That guy sounds like an asshole. Show me his social accounts—we can make fun of him together.”

“Maybe your friends wouldn’t keep abandoning you if you didn’t dump all your problems on them. That’s what I’m here for, remember? Unless you started paying them, too. Oh, what’s that? No, you didn’t? You just expect everyone to be at your emotional beck and call with zero boundaries or they’re ‘not a real friend’?”

“I hope you don’t mind me lying down on the couch this time. I’m just really tired. All of my clients have been exhausting today. Feel free to take my chair.”

“Maybe instead of telling me about how you’re contemplating cheating on your girlfriend, consider celibacy so that she and all other women can be rid of you.”

“Whenever you bring up your marriage I always sit there and think, Why hasn’t his wife divorced him yet? I mean, you clearly don’t pull your weight at all. This woman must be fed up. I bet you expect praise every time you do the dishes. You’re the kind of man who makes me view the institution of marriage as a form of servitude. I would tell you to get couple’s therapy, but I’m rooting for the demise of your union.”

“Your friend sounds annoying. I refuse to elaborate.”

“Look, you can enter into yet another codependent dynamic, or you can push me out of the fucking window. Which is it?”

“What is wrong with you? Don’t answer that—it’s rhetorical.”

“If I had your job, I would be so miserable. I honestly don’t know how people like you get through the day.”

[Spinning around in chair.] “Wheeeeeeee!”

“I admire your ability to lie to yourself.”

“Congratulations on the pregnancy and all, but your child is gonna haaaaaaate you. You really shouldn’t be around any children until you stop acting like one. Is there a way to prescribe that?”

“If I have to hear you whine about this married guy you’re sleeping with one more time, that’s it. Get better ethics. And his wife isn’t the problem—he is. Good luck with that.”

“I don’t think that I can see you again. Unfortunately, you seem totally unsalvageable.”