I have been going to the same massage therapist for about 15 years. I first met them at a nationwide chain massage company and then followed them to a boutique massage business before they moved private services to their house.

They have the same setup at home as a traditional massage company, with all the bells and whistles, in a dedicated room. They live alone. My appointments have been at their house for about 12 years, and we obviously have gotten to know each other as somewhat friends over these years. They are an excellent, skilled massage therapist and I value their abilities.

My issue is that over the years, my massage therapist has started talking to me more and more during the massage session and occasionally talks to me the entire session. To get me talking, they ask questions that I feel rude not answering. Sometimes the questions relate to the massage itself, like inquiries about body parts that I’d hurt previously. This conversation feels integral to the treatment but interrupt the experience.

But topics also veer off to the mundane. I have tried starting my sessions by saying I’m tired and would like to just quietly drift off mentally hoping they get the clue. But that seems to only last about 10-15 minutes before they ask something again. I’ve tried one-word answers or a mumble.

I know I am still getting the physical benefits of the massage, but I am missing the mental benefits since I sometimes can’t even recall afterwards if they even massaged a certain body part because I was mentally invested in the conversation. Since this has incrementally ramped up over 15 years, I don’t know how to tell them I need critical questions/comments only without hurting their feelings.

– Need To Drift Off

Dear Need: In every business or personal relationship, especially in a longstanding relationship, it’s important to be heard. And if you’re not being heard, it’s important to point that out and ask the other person to make a change.

I understand your desire to keep from hurting your massage therapist. But you’re simply asking for a change, not insulting their behavior, so their feelings have to be their responsibility as long as you’re communicating fairly and with kindness.

Before your next massage, talk to your therapist about your concerns and the pattern you’ve noticed. Explain that you really need to have a silent massage and ask if this is something they can do. If they say yes and then talk through the massage, you’ll remind them that you had an agreement. If they still can’t keep to it, you may need to move on.

I’m presuming that you’re paying for these services. It can be awkward when friendship and transactions meet, but if you’re not direct about this, it’s going to further fester into resentment and frustration.