You often mention the need to exercise “compassionate detachment,” especially with adult children. I need advice on how to make that shift.
There is a saying that being a parent is like having your heart wander around the world without you, and it is so true.
As a mom who is “only as happy as my most unhappy child,” I struggle with this all the time.
I have really improved in terms of not offering unsolicited advice and comments, but I constantly worry about choices they make and feel their pain possibly even more acutely than they do (and often long after).
This is made worse by the fact that one of my adult children has significant mental health issues.
It is to the point where I often wake up in the middle of the night worrying.
Do you have any techniques or books you would recommend that would help me to develop greater compassionate detachment?
Dear Worried: Surely you remember the old Dunkin’ Donuts ad: “It’s time to make the donuts!”
Your adult children have a negative experience, and your mom-brain goes:
“Ding! It’s time to make the donuts!” And you either fly into action or fall into worry-mode (or both).
Developing loving and compassionate detachment is a process that involves a certain amount of realistic self-assessment. Some people are temperamentally more inclined toward worry than others. And any time your child struggles with serious health issues, this will trigger a wave of worry.
It’s helpful to ask yourself realistically what purpose your worrying serves.
Does your fretting serve your children, ease their pain, or soothe their wounds?
Does it make you (or them) stronger or more resilient? Does it make you a better person or parent, or better able to serve your own highest purpose?
No. Worrying diverts your mind and saps your strength.
Worrying expresses a parent’s clutching desire to control the outcome, even when they know they can’t.
If you truly understand and accept your powerlessness; if you accept that other adults have the right to make choices – even bad ones – you will see that oftentimes the most powerful thing you can do is to abide with others through their challenges.
I often picture this powerful wiitnessing process as holding hands and walking together – neither leading nor being led.
Letting go of your need to worry is liberating – even for the person you are worrying about.
And once you truly understand that you don’t have to make the donuts, you will experience your most tender relationships in a new way.
Cogent teachers who will help you to work through these feelings and impulses are: Pema Chodron, Brene Brown, and Glennon Doyle. All have multiple books and video teachings available.
